Does your boss need to be relieved of his/her position? This article gives a step-by-step how-to guide, while also avoiding those pesky little coppers.......
1. Decide on your weapon of choice.......What weapon should I choose?? Well, you're in luck! There are millions of products made just for this purpose. The knife?? Well, the knife is the traditional route and really cannot be beat (unless you choose this method!). However, it is a little messy and clean up can be tricky. Garden tools?? I know what you're thinking, how come I never thought of that?!? They are a variety of gardening tools with plenty of sharp ends!! Oh, and don't forget the most important gardening-killing tool of all, your SHOVEL!! By gun??? This choice has been the overall favorite of one-time killers for over a century and well, you can blame them?? (Note that this is for one-time killers, serial killers should refer to the other two options.) No clean up, it's quick, what more could you want?? (Less fingerprints of course!!) Any method you choose will be sufficient so long as the heart is stopped and there is no breathing.
2. I've killed them, now what?Since you have accomplished your goal it would seem you're done right?? Wrong!!! Time to hide the body. There are various ways to do this and everyone seems to have their own preference. One-way is to go deep into the nearest wooded area and dump the body. This is the traditional way to go and usually results in some jail time. Another way is to mail the dead body to Costa Rica. (By the time they find the body, providing you have done the embalming procedure, YOU can be out of the country as well!!!) Lastly you can always blame it on someone else. Really, just stage it so the other coworkers look guilty..........get them to the scene of the crime (conveniently after you've left, without use of a cell phone) and call the police from a telephone booth, or even better from the coworker's house!!
3. What to tell the police.............DO NOT PANIC!! Tell the police you were with your dementia-crazed grandmother (or other suitable crazy family member). If you do not possess a dementia-crazed family member simply tell them you were engaging in child pornography. (Well, it does distract them from the reason they initially questioned you doesn't it??) And remember, whatever you do, DO NOT tell them you were with the victim at the time the homicide occurred.
4. I'm guilty, what should I do? Should I confess??Yes, you are guilty but was it really your fault?? I mean, really couldn't your boss have done more?? Couldn't he/she have tried just a little harder?? After all the time you have put in at the office, all of THEIR work that YOU have done, couldn't they have just given a little more??? Called you into their office less?? Given you more than just a $0.15 raise?? And could they at least foot half of your psychiatrist bill seeing as how they are the one that caused those psychiatry visits anyhow??If you're still guilty after reading this I suggest converting to Catholicism. After all, all you have to do is confess to the priest and do a few Hail Mary's and bodda bing bodda boom!! You're forgiven!! *Beware, by law the priest is forced to notify the authorities of your recent killing spree.
*5. The good news...........The good news is now that you're in jail you have all the time in the world to get into shape, read that book you haven't had the time for, and to write all those E-mails!!!
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